Dating Profile
by ImaginaryCity
Summary: Jess noticed how lonely Nick has been lately, so she surprises him by making an online dating profile for him. Nick goes on a date but it turned out to be a disaster date!


_Disclaimer: I do not own New Girl _

_New Girl: Season 1: Episode: Dating Profile_

_A/N: My first story since 2009! Enjoy! Don't forget to review the story after you read it_

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><p>Schmidt and Winston were making their way out the front door.<p>

"Nick" Schmidt called. "Are you coming?"

"No, Schmidt" Nick responded from his bedroom with his head buried in an exam book. "As much as I would love to, I have to study for this bar exam."

"Seriously man? You're going to miss the grand opening of a new club to study? Do you know how many women prefer a new club to an old one?"

"You'll be missing out on a lot of hot ladies." Winston added.

"Just go!" Nick demanded, trying to focus on his studies.

"Hey guys…" Jess called out from her bedroom.

"Not now, Jess" Schmidt said as he and Winston rushed out the front door.

"No, please! Can one of you just help me with this printer? I need to print out some worksheets for school."

Schmidt and Winston were already gone.

"Guys?" She called out but no one answered. "Nick?"

Nothing but silence filled the loft. While Nick ignored Jess, she began to sing to get his attention.

"N-ick… Nick, Na-nick, Nick, Na-nick, Nick, Nick, Nick-e-lo-deon!" She paused to await his response but he didn't say anything. She continued singing. "Sittin' here in my bedroom, trying to figure out what to do because your printer got me all con-fused" Her voice goes up higher. "And I just-"

"Jess, is this important?"

"Yes. I need your help! Your printer won't print."

Nick approached Jess's bedroom door with his arms folded.

"Nick, I've pressed print like fifty times and nothing happened!"

He walked over to the printer and plugged it in. Jess drew a goofy surprise look on her face.

"Oh, right! My bad."

"Jess, I can't have you interrupting me every five minutes and-" Nick's attention went elsewhere as he laid his eyes on a wooden table across from Jess's bed. "What is this? I thought I told you not to pull that table out. I clearly said it's unstable and I'm working on fixing it! What do you need it for anyway?"

"To place the printer on."

"No, Jess, don't use it! Stay away from it! I'll take it out later because right now I'm stressed out trying to study for this bar exam so I can soon become a lawyer and make my parents proud of something I've accomplished instead of working at a bar for the rest of my entire lonely life! I've sacrificed meeting very hot ladies tonight just so I can get to that accomplishment! I already have a really bad toothache and I don't need two pains bothering me at once! I'm going to go back to my room and I don't want to hear another word out of you. Not one word. Got it?"

"My lips are…" Jess zipped her lips and forced a smile to confirm her silence.

Nick headed back to his bedroom while holding his hand over his cheek to ease his toothache. Before he continued studying, he placed some tooth gel pain reliever on his gums.

He sat back down comfortably at his desk to commence studying for the bar exam. His eyes ran over sentences in the book as he tried to remember the place he left off. Once he found his bookmark, he began lip reading the text. He jotted down some side notes as he read along. Moments later, a loud sound of wood and another hard object hitting the floor could be heard from Jess's room. Afterwards, there was nothing but a long silence.

Nick sighed.

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><p>Hey girl! What'cha doing?<p>

Hey girl! Where ya' going?

Who's that girl? (Who's that girl?)

Who's that girl? (Who's that girl?)

Who's that girl? (Who's that girl?)

It's Jess!

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><p>The next day, Nick walked in through the front door with a very swollen lip and cheek. He looked like he was in pain as he held his hand up to his swollen cheek. He closed the front door and notice Jess sitting on the couch.<p>

"Hey, Nick! Back from the dentist?" Jess had her laptop sitting on her lap.

"Yes-ouch!" He pulled out a prescription bag from his pocket and made his way into the kitchen.

Schmidt in his suit and tie and Winston passed by the kitchen as Nick gulped down a glass of water with his prescription pills.

"Schmidt I'm still mad at you from last night." Winston told him.

"Oh come on, I didn't know it was a drag club. They did have good food though."

"Yea and nice music. Got my groove on… but still."

"Nick, man what happened to your face?" Schmidt referred to his puffiness.

"I told you I was going to the dentist today. I hope these pain pills work fast."

"Wish I could take a sick day off work. This meeting will be so pointless man." Schmidt left out the front door.

"If anyone needs me," Winston grabbed his basketball. "I'll be outside taking a hoop break."

Later on, as Nick walked out of the bathroom, Jess took him by surprise when she snapped a picture of his face with her cell phone.

"Jess, what are you doing?"

She paused and stared as if he asked an odd question. "I'm taking your picture with my phone."

He looked at her confusingly as she walked away.

Schmidt sat down inside a conference room at work. A female coworker, sitting next to him, stared him down. He couldn't help but notice her eyes beaming on him. He directed his eyes to the woman to find that she was staring at his hair.

"Why do you have glitter in your hair?" She asked.

Flashback to last night gay club.

Schmidt and Winston were dancing on the dance floor, rolling their hands round and round in front of them.

"Oh yea!" They both chanted repeatedly as they danced.

A guy wearing tons of makeup, a blond wig, and a sparkly red dress, held a bucket of glitter. He grabbed a hand full of glitter and threw it in the air.

"Make it rain!" Schmidt shouted then ripped open his button down shirt.

The guy tossed glitter over Schmidt's and Winston's head. Schmidt noticed some guys coming closer to him smiling as they were checking out his six-pack.

"Ok." Schmidt quickly button up his shirt.

Flashback ended.

"I fell" Schmidt lied. "Into a box of glitter."

His coworker looked at him unconvinced.

The next day, at night, Jess was on her laptop in her room with a grin on her face.

"Nick! Come here" She called out.

"What?" Nick responded from another room.

"Come here! I have a surprise for you."

Nick slowly made his way to Jess room. "Jess, what is it? I'm already working back to back shifts at the bar and I have to get ready to go in tonight."

"I made you a dating profile." She turned her laptop around to display to him.

"What?" Nick looked shocked and upset.

"Do you like it?"

"Jess, why would you?"

"Well, you said you were lonely and wanted to meet some hot ladies. So I made a profile for you yesterday and thought I'd surprise you."

Nick looked closely at his dating profile. "Why did you? You posted the most horrible picture of me!"

His profile picture was the picture Jess took of him yesterday with his swollen lip and cheek.

"It's not horrible." Jess stared at the picture.

"Yes it is! I look like I just lost in a boxing match!"

"That was the only picture I had of you, Nick. I couldn't ask if you had a recent picture of yourself because I didn't want it to seem obvious I wanted a picture of you."

"And snapping my picture right when I come out of the bathroom won't seem obvious to me?"

"No."

"Jess, delete the profile."

"But, Nick-"

"No just delete it! I don't need your help in finding a date. I'm a grown man, I can do it on my own. Now I have to get to work and I don't want to hear any more about this dating profile."

Later on that night at Nick's job, Nick noticed his coworker, Amanda, coming in late.

Nick was whipping off the bar counter when Amanda approached him smiling.

"What?" Nick asked.

"What?" Amanda mocked him then slightly laughed.

He looked at her trying to understand what was so funny. "Why are you smiling at me?"

"Like, I have a friend or whatever who's single."

"Okay… So why are you telling me?" Nick smiled.

Amanda pulled out her cell phone from her pocket. She searched her phone and within seconds pulled up a picture of Nick's dating profile photo and showed it to him.

Nick looked embarrassed and a bit frustrated.

"I like have an account with the exact same dating site or whatever." She told him. "I saw your picture under new members and thought 'why don't I take a picture with my cellphone and like, show it to Nick'." She laughed.

"Okay, well that's a really horrible picture of me…"

"So I like, told my single friend that you would like go on a date with her."

"You set me up without asking me?" Nick looked surprised.

"Yea like 'I set you up without asking you' okay." Amanda said sarcastically.

"Oh… okay." Nick slightly laughed. "So you're joking?" He tried reading her facial expression but still couldn't figure her out.

The next night, Jess, Winston, and Schmidt were in the living room playing one of the Rock Band games.

Schmidt had the guitar, Winston played the drums, and Jess held the microphone.

Nick walked out into the living room dressed up.

"Hey!" Jess observed Nick. "Where ya' going?"

"I'm going on a date, Jess."

"Oh good for you!" She smiled then made her way to him while her roommates continued to play. "Nicks' got a hot date tonight." Jess said as she raised the roof.

"You deleted my profile, right?"

"Yes, gees…"

"Good. Well, I'm going on my date, see you guys later."

"Holla" Schmidt called out.

"Later." Winston said as he played the drums.

"Well," Jess started. "See you later. I'm gonna' get back to the game and rock out with my c-" She stopped herself to think for a second. "…buddies."

Nick waited at a table for two at a restaurant for his date to arrive.

It wasn't long until a good looking young lady walked into the restaurant. Nick noticed that she had her eyes wandering around as if she was looking for someone. He waved his hand slightly to draw her attention. She smiled and walked towards his direction.

"Hi" Nick greeted her as she came to the table. "You're Amanda's friend, Sarah, right?"

"Hi, yes, you must be Nick." She greeted him as she sat down at the table.

"Yes" He smiled while admiring her beauty. "It's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too, Nick." Sarah said as she pushed her chair closer to the table. "You're not wearing a wire are you?"

"A wire?" Nick looked confused. "No"

"Good!" She relaxed back into her chair.

"So… What do you do for a living?"

"I… rather not go there. It's a sensitive topic for me."

"Um… okay." Nick studied her for a couple of seconds.

A pretty waitress came by the table, handing menus to Nick and Sarah. "Hi, I'm Rose, I will be your waitress for tonight. What drink can I start you two off with?"

"My dogs' name is Rose." Sarah told Rose the waitress.

Nick looked slightly shocked trying to withhold his grin.

"Sorry about that" Nick apologized on behalf of Sarah. "I think we'll have just water."

"Two margaritas on the rocks." Sarah ordered.

"Okay." She wrote down both orders before leaving the table with her eye on Sarah.

"Sarah, why would you say that?" Nick chuckled a bit.

"What? You're not a drinker?"

"No, I am. I was referring to you telling her that you're dog share the same name as her."

"Oh! Was that a _bad_ thing?"

"Well… It kind of sounds like an insult."

"Wow!"

"Yea…" Nick smiled. "So… do you have any hobbies?"

"Yes." She answered and left it at that.

"Yea?" He stared at her for a few seconds waiting for her to go into more detail but she didn't.

The waitress came back and placed their glasses of water on the table in front of them.

"Can I start you off with any appetizers?"

Nick looked at Sarah to see what her response would be but he noticed that she didn't want any appetizers either.

"No" Nick said. "I think I'll have your pasta dish with bread sticks."

"Good choice" The waitress wrote down his order. She then turned to Sarah and sighed. "And for you?"

"Lets see…" Sarah studied the menu a bit more. "Do you have any food that's not covered with _thick_ layered sauce or barely covered at all? I just want to be able to see what I'm eating before I eat it."

"We have salads, fries…"

"Both sound great. But can you have them put the lettuce and dressing separate? I'll put it on myself."

"Sure." The waitress picked up both their menus and left.

"You're very clear about what you want." Nick smiled.

"You think so?"

"Yea, I mean, I don't mean it in a bad way. I'm sometimes overly specific when it comes to arranging stuff around the house. "

"Wow!"

There was an awkward silence between them that lasted for more than a few seconds before Nick broke it.

"So, Sarah, tell me a little bit about yourself."

"I'm a fast runner."

Nick nodded his head for her to continue. "Yea? I run too, sometimes. My roommates work out more than I do."

"I use to have a roommate. We shared a cozy room and a bunk bed."

Nick thought for a second. "That's interesting, Sarah… Do you live by yourself now?"

"Actually, I just rather not talk about it."

"Is there anything you do want to talk about?"

"Yes."

"Okay?" Nick waited for a response but she didn't say anything else.

The conversation carried on like this until they were both finished with their dinner and drinks.

"The food was great." Nick said as he whipped his mouth with a napkin. "These breadsticks were the best."

"Wow!" Sarah responded.

"Are you signaling me or something?" Nick asked as he tried to figure her out. "You've said 'wow' like fifteen times throughout our entire conversation which I was doing most of the talking."

"No…"

"Okay…"

Sarah stared at him for a few seconds. "Are you mad at me?"

"No, I'm not mad." He spoke calmly. "It just feels like you're sort of playing mind games with me when I'm trying to have a mature conversation. I think you're beautiful and I just want to know more about you. I mean it would be great if you could answer my questions with more than just one word answers."

Sarah took a moment to intake what Nick had just told her before she gave her response.

"That's great, Nick. And thank you. I really feel what you're saying."

"You do? Good, I was getting nervous there for a second."

"Wow!"

Nick sat down in front of his computer in his bedroom, alone again.

"Nick!" Jess called from inside the living room. "Come here, I got a surprise for you!"

"Jess, no more surprises please I don't want it. I just want to stay on my computer for the rest of the night and look at adult rated videos."

Jess shrugged her shoulders as she stood at the front door before opening it. She opened the door and right before her was a gorgeous looking lady with long hair.

"Is Nick coming?" The gorgeous lady asked. "I sure would like to have a mature conversation with a guy and then move on to more adult stuff with no strings attached." She told Jess.

"Sorry, he's not interested." Jess closed the door.

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><p>End of episode<p> 


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